After the broadcast of "Goodbye Lover 3", it still received a high degree of discussion on social media. After all, whether in real life or in literary and artistic forms, it is difficult for us to obtain such real, specific and vivid information like reality shows. Sample, to analyze the gender relationship in love and marriage.
The three couples in "Goodbye Lover 3"
This season also caused a lot of controversy due to the participation of Fu Seoul and her husband Lao Liu. Because whether it is in Fu Seoul's series of language performances or in the previous marriage show "21 Days Before Marriage" on Mango TV, what the audience "sees" is the image of a loving couple. Has the relationship between the couple changed? Or is this another example that proves reality shows are "shows"? After watching the new show, I am more inclined to believe that love can be "shown", but alienation in divorce variety shows is difficult to disguise - although the reasons for alienation may not be completely honest.
There is another key difference between the third season and the previous two seasons. There are three groups of relationships in the previous two seasons: one group is still married and planning to divorce, one group is in the process of divorce, and the other group has been divorced. The three groups of relationships selected in "Goodbye Lover 3" are all in a marital status (one group has held a wedding but has not yet received a certificate). Although it reduces the opportunity to see through the different modes of getting along at different stages of marriage, it can also focus more on the presentation of internal problems in the marriage.
How would you describe the three couples this season? A piece of copywriting in "Goodbye Lover 3" is a good point: "Marriage is like a kite. The more tightly you hold on to the string, the more the other party wants to break free; but when you let go and have no restraint, it flies aimlessly and precariously. . If you become the person holding the string, how can you fly the kite well?"
The program uses kites and strings to symbolize the relationship between husband and wife
This copy points out two relationships in marriage: possession and control. Love is the prerequisite for the existence of these two relationships.
Without possession, there is no intimacy, and without intimacy, there is no love in marriage. When we fall in love with someone, we try to possess them both spiritually and physically. This is a natural emotion. Therefore, after we establish a relationship with a person, we will require the other person to be "loyal" physically and mentally. The vast majority of people cannot tolerate the physical and mental cheating of their partner. Many people are eager to get married, and they also hope that with a marriage certificate and the external force of the law, we can firmly possess a person.
The word "possession" may seem very domineering and aggressive, but it requires the willing cooperation of both parties to complete it. In other words, possession in love is a "mutual need" between you and me. In the words of Melody, a guest in the observation room, "everyone needs to be needed."
When neither party wants to possess the other, when we can accept the other half to have a new relationship, and when we can accept the other half having intimate relationships with other people, the marriage relationship will be in jeopardy. Although the two parties still exist as relatives or friends, there is no possession and no love at this time. Just as Fu Seoul himself is soberly aware that "without love, we cannot be called partners."
This is the case in the relationship between Fu Seoul and her husband Lao Liu. Fu Seoul repeatedly mentioned that her relationship with her husband was like brothers, their love had dropped to zero, and her husband had no intervention or involvement in her life at all. For her husband, Lao Liu, when Fu Seoul flew higher and higher, he found that he was needed less and less. He was no longer needed, so he simply quit on his own initiative.
Lao Liu hopes that he is needed
In many marriages in real life, when both parties lose their desire to possess each other, if both parties can maintain the loyalty required for the marriage relationship, such a marriage can last until old age, and both parties can live together as relatives. Of course, some people will choose to divorce. Just like Lao Liu, he thought this was not a healthy marriage, so he tried to separate.
If it was flying a kite, then Lao Liu would just let go of the string directly, or he could accept someone else flying the kite for him. On Fu Seoul's birthday, he wrote in the greeting card to Fu Seoul, "Help you fly high", which is more like the tone of an agent; he is also willing to wish Fu Seoul that after he leaves, he can get the blessings of others pet.
This set of relationships allows us to see the importance of mutual possession and mutual need in marriage. When possession is lost and love drifts away, the marriage may wither.
But if possession is taken to an extreme, it becomes control.
In a controlling relationship, there is intimacy and often love, but control is an attempt to "completely occupy" the partner's thoughts and actions: the controller hopes that the partner will act, live, and think according to his or her own ideas. For the controller, his starting point is "for the good of his partner" and "to prevent his partner from taking detours", but the essence of control is to "privatize" the other person - the controller cannot accept that his partner is beyond his control As an independent individual, TA can only exist dependent on itself, even if the controller cares about this "private property" meticulously.
In the relationship between Wang Shiqing and her husband Ji Huanbo, Ji Huanbo has been trying to make Wang Shiqing a "Barbie doll". This is a very accurate summary of Wang Shiqing's own situation. There is a 10-year age difference between the two. When Wang Shiqing first entered the industry, Ji Huanbo, her senior, gave her a lot of help. At this time, Wang Shiqing had a feeling of "admiration" for Ji Huanbo, and she was willing to listen to his opinions; Wang Shiqing was like Ji Huanbo In general, it also has a "nurture system" flavor.
As time passed, as Wang Shiqing's abilities and thoughts continued to grow, "Barbie" awakened. She no longer wanted to accept Ji Huanbo's control in all aspects - from what Wang Shiqing wore every day to the order of the nine-square grid in the circle of friends, Ji Huanbo had to interfere - no He just made an opinion, but asked Wang Shiqing to do as he said. Still using the metaphor of flying a kite, Ji Huanbo held on tightly to the rope. He was afraid that the kite would not fly, and he was also afraid that the kite would fly too high. He repeatedly tore the rope, making the kite feel unfree from beginning to end.
When Wang Shiqing tried to get rid of her husband, whether in the main film or in the footage, the audience could intuitively feel Ji Huanbo's "breakdown"; when Wang Shiqing bluntly expressed his boredom and need for her husband's control, his eyes when he looked at Wang Shiqing were incredulous. , and a sense of fragmentation; even when Wang Shiqing "ridiculed" him in front of everyone (he thought Wang Shiqing was exaggerating), he "didn't get angry" and brought a strong sense of oppression to others... He He loves his partner very much and is always giving, but he is also really good at "emotional blackmail". He has repeatedly emphasized that he is "miserable" and feels that Wang Shiqing does not appreciate the fact that he has given so much.
Ji Huanbo repeatedly mentioned sadly that he was "very miserable"
Huang Zhizhong used the perspective of "father and daughter" to examine part of Ji Huanbo's feelings for Wang Shiqing, which is quite accurate. It's not that Ji Huanbo raised Wang Shiqing as a daughter, but Ji Huanbo's love is probably like that of many old fathers who are full of fatherliness. They raise their daughters as the apple of their eyes and work hard to raise them. When the daughter grows up and has her own social circle and life, her father will be there for her. It is still very important in life, but the part it occupies has shrunk. My father is afraid of the dissipation of power and the disintegration of control. He is very affectionate and fragile, but also affectionate and full of control.
Huang Zhizhong and Li Songwei in the observation room thought that many of Ji Huanbo's words were very similar to what a father said to his daughter.
But it is more difficult for a wife to step out of her husband's control than for a daughter to step out of her father's shadow. Because the control between husband and wife is accompanied by intimate love, the boundary between possession and control is difficult to clarify. Even if she tries to get rid of it, it is always difficult to let go. Although Wang Shiqing knows that she is an awakened Barbie doll, she still dresses according to her husband's opinions (putting on her favorite shoes and socks is "rebellious"). She has always been subconsciously longing for Ji Huanbo's response and approval. Every time her husband breaks her guard and breaks her guard, she will feel indebted, soft-hearted, and embarrassed.
Ji Huanbo sometimes changed his face because of Wang Shiqing's words, and Wang Shiqing would also become embarrassed and nervous.
We can tell that they love each other deeply, and they are not bad people, but they may need to ask for the intervention of a psychologist. For a controller, he cannot try to gain certainty and security in love by controlling the other person - although he will not feel that he is controlling, he has repeatedly emphasized that he is not the "enemy" of the woman. The problem is that this kind of It's not that the enemy's control is softer and more hidden; it's very difficult for the controlled person to get out of that unconscious PUA or dependence. Adjust the relationship between the kite and the thread so that the kite and the string are still one.
In the third set of marriages, both parties are "post-90s". Wang Sleepy and Zhang Shuo have been in love for seven years. They also held a wedding three years ago, but so far neither party has received a certificate. The reason for not obtaining the certificate was that "marriage trouble" occurred at the wedding. For the new generation of young women represented by Wang Sleepy, this is disgusting sexual harassment. Although the man apologized to the bridesmaid, he still didn't ask the groomsman to apologize to the bridesmaid himself. This became a problem that Wang Sleeping couldn't get over.
But the two people quarreled endlessly on the show, as if the kite was disconnected from the string. Fu Seoul accurately complained, "I think even if the quarrel is like this, there is no need to separate on the show." In fact, the two people had a very sweet campus romance. They had a very intimate stage of possessing each other, and they are still living in this inertia. The woman still only cries because of the man, and the man still expects the woman to need him. This makes them reluctant to leave each other.
Zhang Shuo and Wang Sleepy once had such a quarrel that neither of them wanted to record anymore.
However, this kind of intimate possession has gradually faded away in various "post-marriage" quarrels, and they have gradually become a "roommate" relationship. When intimacy fades away, as a new generation of young people with a strong sense of autonomy, they cannot say that they have the ability to control each other (this is of course a good thing). This creates greater frustration on the part of the man. For example, "after marriage", he complained that the woman didn't know how to cook, and he complained that the woman always lost her temper. He had a clear look of stupidity, "I don't think she is like that."
The man thinks the woman has become unreasonable
In any case, this set of relationships allows us to see that it is not as easy for two people who have been in love to break up as they say. The only fortunate thing about this relationship is that their marriage certificate has not yet been removed. This is likely to be a way for young people to get along with each other in the future: a kite is a kite, and a string is a string. They can live together and have an intimate relationship, but if the other party does not make them confident and reassured enough, then there is no need to give up a piece of paper. The marriage contract binds both parties, retaining the freedom to leave at any time, or making it less troublesome to leave.
"It's not that easy to fall in love," and it's not that easy to keep a comfortable distance between the kite and the string. However, the responsibility of the kite and the string is not to play fifty games each. As far as "Goodbye Lover" and "Goodbye Lover 3" are concerned (sorry, they were abandoned shortly after the second season started), we can easily find that it may be more difficult for men to adapt to the changes in the power of both parties. Men are used to being in a dominant position in relationships between the sexes. They are used to possessing, being needed, and controlling. Once their partners have a broader space for development, once their partners’ self-awareness continues to grow, and once their partners are “not so When they are needed, they will be disappointed, frustrated, complaining, and self-pitying. They will try to hold on to the string of the kite harder, and the relationship will become tighter, or they will just let go, and the kite will become farther and farther away.
In fact, Lao Liu’s life is the life of most stay-at-home mothers.
Falling in love is a science, but many problems are indeed caused by men. The rise of women is the general trend. Perhaps men should slowly get used to the change in status and deeply understand this common sense: being needed by their partners does not mean having the power to dominate them or control them, or needing to be stronger and more powerful than them. Have the right to speak. In the final analysis, love is a kind of "interaction". Don't think about overpowering the other person. The most important thing is a comfortable fit with each other.